I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
