He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
