Yo dont text me then not text me
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
