Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
