anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
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tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
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The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.