hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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