Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
