moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize