i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
