At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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