Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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