Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
