We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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