im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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