I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
