everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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