my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
