Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
