I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
