i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
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