So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
