I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
