Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
