you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
