I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
