Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
