Don't make out with my wife yet
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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