I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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