it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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