Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
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