jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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