May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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