she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
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