dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Randomize
