Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
