If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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