after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Randomize
