I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
