Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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