hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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