The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
