I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
We named our party play list daddy issues
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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