I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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