after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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