I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
