i will never coherently bang her
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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