My friends, they love my intelligence
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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