I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
