I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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