He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
