Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
