Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
