I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
