I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
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Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
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Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store