The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.