as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club