Who wears a wallet chain?!
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
